i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize