I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
