So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
