Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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