I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
