I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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