whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You can't motorboat a personality
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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