my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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