dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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