I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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