Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
