I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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