how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
