watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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