Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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