Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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