you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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