i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
