we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
