I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
