i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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