Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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