I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
