Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
