Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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