I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
