I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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