Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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