I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
