She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
