how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I need to align my fucking chakras
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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