Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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