I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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