My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
