Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
