dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
