There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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