I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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