The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
