Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
