there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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