u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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