Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
