Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
