P.S. I can't hear my feet
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
