Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
