I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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