Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
