Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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