The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My feet surprised me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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