im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
