He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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