So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
