Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
