He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
