Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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