he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
