ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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