life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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