i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
