They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."