cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
