Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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