The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
