As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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