dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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